


Monkey Business

by KristenBealer



Category: Daria (Cartoon)
Genre: Birthday, Birthday Party, Gen, Humor, Monkeys, Pre-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-19
Updated: 2019-02-19
Packaged: 2019-10-31 16:01:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17852720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KristenBealer/pseuds/KristenBealer
Summary: It's Jane's fourth birthday and the guests are arriving...including a chimp that takes them all on a wild ride.  Join the pint-sized adventure in a pre-canon story inspired by a remark in "A Tree Grows in Lawndale."





	Monkey Business

Spring 1987

  


"Happy birthday to me! Happy birthday to me! Happy birthday dear meee-eee, happy birthday to me!" Jane was bouncing around the front yard, waiting for her party guests to arrive. She saw her sister, Penny, lounging in a lawn chair as she looked through her Spanish/English dictionary. "What's 'four' in Spanish?" she asked.

Penny frowned and began flipping pages in the book. "Er...."

"Cuatro," Summer answered smugly as she came out of the house holding a bag of party supplies that rested against her eight-months-pregnant stomach. "You'd think you'd at least know that much after studying the language for over a year."

"I'm getting there," Penny insisted grumpily. "By the time I'm eighteen, I'll be fluent and ready to head south to Mexico and leave this crummy suburb behind forever."

"That only gives you one more year," Summer pointed out. "Maybe by then you'll have gotten all the way up to ten."

"I can count up to ten!" Jane said, hopping on one foot and then the other. "Wanna hear?"

"Summer, how can you joke about this?" Wind cried, standing in the doorway with a bunch of balloons. "I can't believe you're so calm about the shattering of our family!" He sadly began tying the balloons to the mailbox. "When Penny leaves us, it's only a matter of time before we all drift apart!"

Summer snorted and muttered, "Good."

"What did you say?" he asked, tears pooling in his eyes.

"She said 'good,'" Jane said helpfully. "When do I get presents? Is it now? How about now? Or now?"

Penny lowered her book and glared at them all. "Do you mind? I'm trying to concentrate!" Turning her attention to Wind, she added, "And anyway, I'm not the one who's going to leave first. Or are you planning to keep living here after you marry what's-her-name next month?"

Wind drew himself up indignantly. "Her name happens to be Sandra!" He thought for a moment, frowning. "Or is it Sarah?"

Trent wandered over from behind the house, where his tent was set up. Judging from the way the nine-year-old was rubbing his eyes, he appeared to have just woken up. "Wha's goin' on?" he mumbled.

"It's my birthday!" Jane yelled, grabbing his arm and pulling him over. "Guess how old I am!"

Trent smiled sleepily at his sister as he allowed himself to be dragged along. "Uhhh...a hundred and fifty-three?" he guessed.

"Nooo!" Jane said, giggling. "This many!" She held up four marker-stained fingers.

"Cool." Trent looked around the yard. "Where's Mom and Dad?"

"Mom got inspired and said she'd be in the ceramic bunker for 'a little while,'" Summer said. "If I'm right, that means we'll see her sometime tomorrow."

Penny looked up from her studying. "And Dad said he had to go run a quick errand. He didn't bring his camera, so we might actually see him before the party's over."

Trent's expression darkened slightly at the news that his parents were absent as usual, but only for a moment. Looking at Jane again, he asked, "So what do you want for your birthday?"

Jane didn't even hesitate. "An adventure!"

"Um...Janey? I don't think that's the kind of thing that fits in a gift box."

"Duh," Jane said, then began spinning around in circles. "But that's what I want!"

"Oh. Okay. Eyes on the prize, I guess."

Getting too dizzy to keep spinning, Jane finally fell over. As she staggered, grinning, to her feet she suddenly shrieked.

"What's wrong?" demanded all four of her siblings.

"They're here!" Jane pointed at a car pulling up in front of the house.

A man got out of the car and let out a little girl with dark skin and braids. "All right, Jodie," he said as the girl shyly followed him to the house. "You be good. I'll be back to pick you up in a couple of hours."

Jodie looked around. "I get to play?" she asked in disbelief. "Just play? No lessons or flashcards or anything?"

"That's right."

"Yay!" Jodie cried, then caught herself. "I mean, yes, Daddy." She handed Jane a wrapped gift.

As Jodie's father drove away, another car arrived. This time a dark-haired boy bounced out of the car with a wide grin. "Berry Crispmas!" he told Jodie, swinging a brightly-colored gift bag in her direction.

"You mean 'Merry Christmas,' and besides, it's not Christmas," Jodie pointed out.

"Yeah, this is a birthday party!" Jane added.

" _And_ it's not my birthday," Jodie continued.

"Me! It's my birthday!" Jane waved her hand wildly, then eagerly accepted the present when Kevin changed direction and swung it toward her. "Thanks, Kevin!"

Next came Mikey Mackenzie, then Brittany Taylor, and finally Charlie Ruttheimer, completing the party. Jane was practically exploding with excitement with the arrival of each new guest (and their gift). She and the other children were soon shrieking and running around the yard, although Jodie kept her voice down and kept to a light jog for fear of dirtying her party dress.

"Wheee!" Brittany screeched, running in circles with her arms spread out. "I have a jet plane!"

"And I have an orbital spacecraft ready to launch!" Charlie announced, whooshing around as he made beeping noises.

"A what?" Kevin asked.

"A spaceship."

"Oh. Then I have a...um...I have a couch!" He flopped onto his back on the grass and watched the other kids run around.

"Um...okay," Mikey said, galloping past him. "Well, I have a charging stallion! Giddyap!"

"And I have a chimp!" Every head turned to see Jane's father holding a small primate.

"Where did _that_ come from?" Summer asked in surprise.

"I have a friend from the commune who--" Anything Vincent said after that was drowned out by the sound of six children shouting at the top of their lungs.

"Wow, it's sooo cute!" "Can I play with it?" "Does it do any tricks?"

Vincent chuckled and lowered the chimp to the ground, where it looked with mild interest at the kids. "It does do tricks," he said, reaching into his car and pulling out a tricycle. He set it down, and the chimp climbed on and began riding.

"Oh, cool!" Mikey said.

"That must be the smartest monkey in the whole world!" Brittany added in a squeal. "Maybe even in the whole town!"

"Yeah, but it's wearing a diaper," a jealous Kevin pointed out. " _I've_ been potty-trained for, uh, at least a week!"

"But lookit! It's riding a trike!" Charlie said in awe.

"Big deal," Kevin said, crossing his arms. "I can do that, too, you know." He shuffled his feet. "I mean, I could if the pedaling part wasn't so tricky. And the handlebars part. And the staying-on-the-trike part."

The chimp continued to ride the tricycle around the yard, stopping occasionally to make funny faces at the children. A few minutes later, the four-year-olds were still enthralled but everyone else was getting bored.

"I'm going to go work on my wood-carved napkin rings," Penny said, standing up and closing her book before heading into the house.

Shortly after, Summer rubbed her belly uncomfortably. "I need to get off my feet for awhile."

As Summer disappeared inside, Wind looked at his watch. "Oh, no! It's been almost a whole hour since I last called Sally!" He rushed away as well.

Vincent looked at Trent, who had just settled into Penny's vacated lawn chair. "Mind keeping an eye on things for a few minutes while I go develop some prints?" he asked.

Trent shrugged. "Sure."

Meanwhile, the children were giggling and chasing the tricycle-riding chimp all over the yard. The chimp started to ride in a figure-eight pattern, going faster and faster and making the loops larger and larger, as the children cheered him on. Suddenly, the chimp collided with the Lanes' mailbox. The trike's front tire was badly damaged and the chimp, though unharmed, looked upset about the accident. Making loud, screeching noises, it took off on foot down the street.

"Come back!" Kevin called. "I bet my daddy could fix it! All he'd need is a wrench, a beer, and the swear jar!"

"What should we do?" Jodie asked, shifting nervously from one foot to the other as she watched the chimp get away.

"We should ask a grown-up," Brittany decided firmly. The children looked at the oldest person around, Trent, who had fallen asleep in the lawn chair at some point.

Jodie reached out tentatively to wake him, when she was interrupted by Charlie. "It's getting away!" He pointed at the chimp, who had almost reached the street corner.

"Oh, no!" Brittany shrieked. "We have to stop it!"

"Yeah, it forgot its trike," Mikey said with a small smirk.

"And we could get in soooo much trouble," a wide-eyed Jodie added.

"And because it'll be an adventure," Jane said, grinning.

Kevin started walking. "Woo hoo! This is going to be more fun than a barrel of...um...something really fun!"

The children took off running after the chimp, but by the time they had caught up, it was on the other side of the street. The kids looked nervously at each other. "I'm not s'posed to cross the street without an adult," Charlie said. The others nodded.

"But we have to follow it," Jodie urged. "If it gets hurt my parents are gonna get super mad at me because, uh, I don't know but they _will_!"

Fortunately, at that moment a middle-aged man walked past, reading a newspaper. Paying only enough attention to his surroundings to look both ways, he started across the road. Charlie nudged the others and grabbed onto the man's sleeve, holding out a hand for someone to grab. One by one, each child grabbed a hand and crossed along with him. When they reached the other side, Charlie let go of the man's sleeve and looked down to see he was holding hands with Brittany. "Eep!" he cried, letting go with a start. "Cooties!"

"There it goes!" Brittany called out, pointing at the chimp. They all ran toward it as fast as they could, startling the chimp and causing it to climb up the nearest tree. The children, undeterred, began climbing up after it.

"Look! I'm a monkey, too!" Kevin called, swinging on one of the branches. "Quack quack!"

The other children giggled and began copying the monkey as well. Mikey, swinging a little too hard, slipped and fell a few feet to the ground. The kids went silent. "Are you okay?" Jodie asked.

Mikey, surprised into stillness for a few moments, suddenly began sniffling. "My pants!" he whimpered, pointing to a large tear in the knee. "My mommy is gonna kill me!"

"Especially when she sees the blood stain," Jane said, shimmying down to see.

"Blood?" Kevin asked, sliding down the tree as fast as he could for a closer look. "Wow! That's so cool!"

"Blood?" Mikey looked again. "Oh no oh no oh no I'm bleeeeeeeeding!" he wailed. "I'm bleeding and my knee huuuuurts!"

The rest of the kids made their way down and began hovering worriedly over Mikey. Charlie even let slip a few sympathetic tears of his own. "We should really find a grown-up," Jodie said fretfully. "Can we go get a grown-up now?"

"No!" everyone else replied.

"I got this," Brittany said, stepping forward. Standing over Mikey, she leaned down and blew gently on his knee. "All better?" she asked.

Sniffling, Mikey nodded. "All better."

Now that the focus had left him, the chimp relaxed and hopped down from the tree. It continued down the sidewalk, and the children started to follow. "Wait!" Kevin called out to the others.

"What now?" Jodie asked impatiently. "If we lose that chimp again I'm going to scream!"

Kevin, hopping lightly up and down as he held onto his crotch, said, "I gotta go pee-pee."

Brittany looked around. "Ummm...there's no potty here."

Kevin shrugged. "S'okay." He trotted away to a nearby tree. "Daddy calls this 'watering the trees.'" The other kids, watching, began to giggle.

"I wanna do that, too!" Charlie scampered over to another tree.

"Me, too!" Jane called out. She ran to yet another tree, but after a minute or two she trudged back, disappointed. "It didn't work," she said glumly. "No fair."

"Guuuuys," Jodie whined. "We don't have time for this! We're going to lose the chimp again!"

"All done!" Charlie said, returning to the group.

"Ready, Kevin?" Jodie asked. "Kevin?" She looked around. "Uh oh. Where's Kevin?"

At that moment, Kevin raced past, arms waving. "Wooooooo!"

"Kevin!" Jodie shouted in her mother's best scolding tone. "You come right back here and put your clothes back on!"

"Nyah nyah!" he yelled over his shoulder. "You can't catch me!"

"Come _on_ ," Brittany whined. "We have to go look for the monkey!"

Charlie pointed at Kevin and snickered. "I think we already found it."

"Wheeeeeee!" Kevin was crouched down, wiggling his naked backside at the others.

Jodie stomped her foot. "Kevin Whatever-your-middle-name-is Thompson," she yelled in a voice so stern the other children stopped moving, "you get back here and get dressed right now or I'm gonna give you a time out!"

Kevin stopped immediately, trotted over to where he'd dropped his clothes, and was dressed in moments. "Sorry." He ducked his head down, but the grin was still visible.

"Hey remember that monkey?" Mikey asked, looking around. "Because we lost him."

"What?!" Jodie turned to look and saw that the chimp was, indeed, long gone. "No! NO! NONONONONONONOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" She collapsed into a heap on the sidewalk and began kicking her feet and pounding her fists on the ground as she screamed at the top of her lungs.

The other children stared at her tantrum in wonder. Charlie sniffled a little in sympathy.

Brittany finally stepped forward and crouched down in front of Jodie's face. "You need to take three deep breaths and calm down," she instructed.

Jodie let out a few more sobs, but then took the deep breaths. She sat up, still angry but no longer shouting.

"Do _you_ need a time out?" Brittany asked, not as a threat but out of actual curiosity.

Shaking her head, Jodie replied, "Nuh-uh. I'm okay now. I just got really mad."

"So you're not mad anymore?" Mikey asked.

"Oh, I'm still mad," Jodie replied. "But only on the inside."

Mikey frowned, but Brittany just smiled at her. "I get mad sometimes, too! Usually when I don't get a nap."

Jodie shrugged. "I don't take naps anymore. I used to, but it got in the way of piano lessons, tumbling, and preschool prep classes."

"I still take a nap," Kevin said. "My mommy says it's the only thing keeping her sane."

"I take a nap, too," Brittany said, "but I have to finish my juice at lunch first."

"You get juice?" Charlie said, interested. "I never get juice. My parents said none of the other kids drink it, either." He scowled. "I knew they were lying!"

"Hmmm." Brittany looked thoughtful at this. "Does everyone else go to bed at eight o'clock? Because that's when my mommy said everybody goes to bed."

"Eight-thirty," Kevin said. "Right after I watch my favorite show, Ratboy and His Fantastic Rodent Friends."

"Seven-forty-five," Mikey chimed in, looking disappointed.

Jane shrugged. "Whenever I feel like it." The other kids looked at her with jealousy in their eyes, and she smiled happily at the attention.

"Hey!" Jodie stomped her foot again, but this time she was calm enough not to start a tantrum. "We still need to find that chimp!"

"We could split up and look for it," Charlie suggested. "Whoever finds it can yell for everyone else so we come back together as a group."

"Find the monkey and yell. Got it!" Jane said, running in one direction. The others each picked another direction and began searching.

"Here, monkey monkey monkey," Brittany called.

"Who wants a banana?" Mikey yelled.

"Me!" Kevin shouted.

"I don't really have one," Mikey shouted back, annoyed. "I'm trying to get the monkey to come back!"

"Monkey? What monkey?" Seeing Mikey's disbelieving glare, he slapped his forehead. Oh, right! _That_ monkey!"

The kids wandered all over, peering into trees and calling for the monkey, until they met up on the other side of the block. "I didn't see it! Did anyone else find it?" Jodie asked. They shook their heads and she groaned.

"Um...." Mikey looked around, frowning. "I don't think everyone's here. There were six of us before, right?"

"Lemme see," Kevin said. He pointed at everyone in turn. "One...two...six...fourteen...sixty-five...."

"Let me do this," Charlie said, shaking his head. "One, two, three, four, five, six. No, we're all here."

"You counted yourself twice," Jane pointed out. Before anyone else could start counting, she took a look around. "Brittany," she finally said. "Brittany's not here."

Forgetting about the chimp entirely, the kids now began wandering around calling for Brittany. At last a high-pitched voice in the distance called out, "Over here!"

Everyone followed the sound of happy squeaking until they saw Brittany sitting cross-legged on someone's front lawn across from the chimp. Each was holding a leaf and an empty acorn cup. "Would you like some more tea, Mr. Chimp?" Brittany asked, holding out an imaginary tea pot. The chimp held out the acorn cup, which Brittany pretended to refill. "It's a delightful day for a tea party, wouldn't you agree?" The chimp made noncommittal noises in reply.

"You found it!" Jodie said in an excited whisper, trying not to frighten the chimp.

"Or the chimp found her," Mikey said, then pointed up at the sky. "But it's a good thing anyway, because it's getting dark."

"Dark?!" Charlie gasped and looked around. "I've gotta go home! Right now!"

Brittany stood up and took the chimp's hand, and both began walking back toward Jane's house. "How come?"

"Do you have to go potty again?" Kevin asked. "Because there's still lots of trees we haven't watered yet."

"It's not that." Charlie began a nervous trot, torn between running away and being too frightened to move. "I'm scared of the dark and I need...I need...."

"A hug?" Brittany asked.

"A nap?" Jodie asked.

"A life?" Jane asked, smirking.

"My dolly!" Charlie wailed, tearing up as he said it. "She's soft and pretty and she makes me feel better when I'm upset!"

"Oh." Brittany grinned. "I have something like that, too! Mine's a pom-pom and it's pink and purple and I named it Pommy and sometimes I wear it on my head and pretend it's a wig!"

"I've got a teddy bear," Mikey shyly admitted.

"Blankie," Jane said, slightly embarrassed but also relieved to know she wasn't alone.

"Stuffed football," Kevin said with a smile.

"Preschool attendance award trophy," Jodie said. None of the other kids looked surprised at this.

Charlie, thumb in his mouth, looked a little comforted by these revelations.

"Time to get this little cutie home," Brittany said, squeezing the chimp's hand. It stuck its tongue out, to the children's delight, but stayed by her side as they began walking back to Jane's house.

They reached the front yard to find it still empty except for Trent, who was still asleep. The chimp loped over to the abandoned tricycle, which Mikey set back upright. It climbed on and began riding again, ringing a little bell on the handlebars while the children laughed and shrieked with joy.

Trent snorted awake with a mumbled, "I'll have the book report on your desk by tomorrow morning." He opened his eyes and saw the children watching the chimp, then looked at the darkening sky. "Wow, you guys must really be into this," he chuckled.

"Who's ready for cake?" Vincent called out, coming out of the house with a large sheet cake.

The children cheered and began swarming around his legs. Wind, Penny, and Summer followed their father, carrying plates, forks, and a folding table. Once the cake was set out on the table, Summer started to hand out the plates while Vincent readied a knife to cut slices. Just as he was about to make the first cut, though, the chimp leapt off the trike and landed on top of the cake, splattering frosting on everyone. It grabbed two handfuls and began eating.

The children, faces streaked with colorful frosting, laughed uproariously and reached out to grab hunks of cake before the chimp ate it all. Even Jodie, after a brief hesitation, delicately took a chunk between her thumb and forefinger to eat.

"Kids, stop!" Wind cried, horrified. "You're getting even messier and...and...you don't know where that chimp has been!"

The children, mouths full of cake, looked at each other and grinned. "Yes, we do," Jane said, and the kids all giggled.

Wind continued to protest. "But--"

"Oh, let them be, Wind," said a voice from the doorway. Everyone turned to see Amanda, Jane's mother, coming outside. "You need to let them be free to try new things. Children are like beautiful, delicate creatures that flit about as they explore the world. They're like...oh, what is it that I'm thinking of?"

Penny snorted. "God only knows."

Amanda frowned, tapping her chin thoughtfully. "What are those things? They're small, they fly, they eat nectar...." Suddenly she clapped her hands. "Oh, that's it! Fruit bats!"

While Jane's siblings looked at her in bewilderment, an oblivious Vincent approached the cake with candles and a lighter. He hesitated, studying the pile of crumbs and frosting, before plunging four candles into the most promising area of the devastation. Seeing that they remained mostly upright, he lit each one and turned around with a big smile. "Come on, everyone!"

A dozen voices, half of them muffled by cake, sang, "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Jane, happy birthday to you!"

"...and you look like one, too!" Kevin belted out, lagging well behind everyone else.

"Blow out the candles," Summer told Jane.

"And remember to make a wish!" added Wind.

Jane took a deep breath and blew out all four candles, then grinned at her family. "I don't need to make it now. I wished for an adventure and it already came true!"


End file.
